Fellow Bannermen, Bannerwomen, and White Walkers, Sunday’s episode was full of prostitutes, Ramsay pretending he’s not absolutely insane, and Tyrion whining about being inside a box before trying to be inside a whore’s box. Without further ado, here are the 7 things we learned (spoilers!):
1. Cersei is not invited by Margaery to girls night out.
Queen Margaery, and the rest of her Mean Girls… uh, Queen Girls entourage, are dishing on Tommen’s mad skills in the bedroom, when Cersei approaches much like I did with my lunch tray to the table with all of the cool kids in high school. After basically calling Cersei a wino, Margaery says she doesn’t know whether to call Cersei the Queen Mother, the Dowager Queen, or just old hag.
2. This week on Chopped, Jon Snow prepares a nice head of lettuce! And by head of lettuce, I mean head of Janos.
After turning down Stannis’ offer to become a Stark, Jon Snow appoints Ser Alliser as First Ranger, the same position given to Tommy the Green Power Ranger. However, when Janos Slynt is ordered to become the commander of the fort Greyguard, he’s like “you’re a bastard in a basket,” and Jon is like “let’s take this outside, baldy,” and then Janos is like, “haha JK,” and Jon is like “I bet you give nice head, no but seriously you dead.” As Jon chops Janos’ head off, Stannis watches on with the hugest of boners.
3. Sansa meets her future husband Ramsay “Robert Durst” Bolton!
As Reek watches on, breathing as heavily as the kid who always sat behind Helga on the bus in Hey Arnold!, Sansa meets her prospective suitor, Ramsay Bolton who probably just finished his daily workout regimen of publicly skinning his enemies alive, which is the Boltons’ version of CrossFit. Petyr “Little Finger On The Streets, Big Finger In The Sheets” Baelish has convinced Sansa that the best way to exact her revenge on the Boltons for murdering her brother is to marry one of them, clearly ignoring the fact that the Boltons don’t have the best track record when it comes to being polite guests at weddings.
4. Cersei does something not terrible for once.
After the High Septon is flogged naked in the streets by members of the Sparrows religious order, he asks the Small Council to execute their leader who goes by the name Birdman… uh, High Sparrow. Cersei goes to check this High Sparrow guy out, and soon realizes he’s the Westeros version of Gandhi. Figuring out the only charity she’s donated to is the Tyrion Lannister Assassination Project, she decides to team up with this shoeless religious leader.
5. It’s my Imp in a box!
After Tyrion single-handedly recreates the song Cabin Fever from Muppet Treasure Island, Varys against his better judgement lets Tyrion out of his box so he can enter another box (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, I’m talking about a vagina). Tyrion has some slight issues with sleeping with a whore, seeming how the last whore he slept with he ended up choking to death (not a euphemism). He leaves to goes pee, as super sad Jorah Mormont, who takes a break from hooking up with (and crying upon) cosplay Daenerys, sneaks up behind him, so he can kidnap him, and take him to the Queen, which gets me excited, because no one can say “Khaleesi,” like he can say “Khalleeeeesi.”
6. Arya becomes a janitor.
While Arya was all set to start learning how to do Face/Off, she’s a little disappointed to find out that she’s basically become a member of the Sea Organization. She’s sweeping, she’s washing dead bodies, so yeah, the House of Black and White is proving to be more and more like the Church of Scientology everyday. Before singing a show-stopping rendition of It’s A Hard Knock Life, Arya is harassed by the House of Black and White’s version of Miss Hannigan, the Waif. After breaking up a fight between the two girls, Jaqen H’ghar, who keeps up his Yoda routine by referring to himself as “a man,” insists that Arya must serve before she learns the ways of shapeshifting her face Mission Impossible style, and tells her to get rid of all her stuff in order to become “nobody.” She decides to hide needle beneath some rocks just in case, instead of selling it eBay.
7. Podrick and Brienne open up to each other about their past.
Brienne tells Podrick how she fell in love with Renly by telling a story about how some boys almost a pulled a move from Carrie‘s prom sequence on her, when Renly decided to show Brienne some support by dancing with her. Brienne believes that Stannis was behind Renly’s death, so she’s all about avenging his foul, unnatural murder. Podrick whispers “ride or die,” and then Brienne’s like, “ride or die,” and considering they’re trying to find a way to get Sansa out of Moat Cailin, there’s only two options: riding, or dying at the hands of Ramsay and Roose.