In the above still, the velociraptors are us waiting in line for popcorn on the night that Jurassic World comes out, and Chris Pratt is the unfortunate concession stand employee.
This might be the best summer of all time, not because global warming is making it longer or anything, because it definitely is, but that’s not the reason.
The movie lineup from June to August has films that have people riding motorcycles with raptors, people riding motorcycles in a post-apocalyptic desert, and cyborgs on motorcycles.
Bottom line? There is a direct correlation between the amount of motorcycles in summer films, and how collectively superlative the lineup is. It’s basic statistics.
So, whether you’re interested in seeing some Pterodactyls turn into Mr. Steal Your Girl, or if the big summer fight for you isn’t Pacquiao versus Mayweather, but Iron Man versus the Hulk, then here’s my definitive list of summer movies every nerd can get excited for.
Avengers: Age of Ultron – May 3rd
No, this poster isn’t depicting a party getting turnt up at Comic-Con. That’s right, this is the dawning of the Age of Ultron, the Age of Ultron (oooo) Ultron, Ultron. The most anticipated summer blockbuster, this Avengers sequel pits our favorite superhero group against . What I’m most excited about? James Spader’s voice of Ultron. Ultron could just be Spader’s disembodied voice, and I’d still be terrified.
Mad Max: Fury Road – May 15th
Here’s the cast of Mad Max: Fury Road waiting for Drake to perform at Coachella during Weekend 2. This visual masterpiece will most certainly be this summer’s eye-gasm. Fury Road, which is totally not a Bruce Springsteen song, is the apocalypse-based movie to see this summer, and there are a lot of those, so that’s saying quite a bit.
Tomorrowland – May 22nd
Wait, is that the Emerald City? Nope, it’s Tomorrowland, so run quick to grab a FastPass at Space Mountain before they run out for the day. Okay, so it’s not that Tomorrowland, but this one has George Clooney, and jet packs, so unless Disney’s Theme Parks up their game in the next month, this Tomorrowland will blow the physical one out of the water.
San Andreas – May 29th
San Andreas is basically the fever dream of every Angeleno who has had to deal with relatives telling them that the “big one” is coming. This disaster movie has everything: earthquakes, the Rock, and did I mention the Rock? Because it has the Rock. I know this movie is going to create some huge seismic waves at the box office, and I’m honored to pay the $12 or so as my contribution.
Insidious Chapter 3 – June 5th
This third installation in the wildly successful Insidious franchise is a must-see, or at least a must-see-through-the-slits-of-my-fingers. This iteration follows everyone’s favorite, gas mask-wearing psychic Claire as she tries to help a teenage girl who happens to be trapped by a powerful entity. Sure, it seems like every Horror film is doing the whole prequel attempt, but I can’t wait for this one. I thought the sequel was pretty spot on, so I don’t expect this to disappoint.
Jurassic World – June 12th
“Burt Macklin, raptor wrangler at your service.” Is this the closest thing we can get to a live-action version of Dino Riders? Maybe, but we love it. I’m not particularly crazy over the fact that the main dinosaur is a genetic hybrid, because isn’t OG Tyrannosaurus Rex terrifying enough? Although I did feel a twinge of terror when all those dead brontosauruses were just laying there waiting to be avenged Chris Pratt, Velociraptor-trainer extraordinaire.
Terminator Genisys – July 1st
“I’ll be back. I need to buy some more Just For Men.” This latest and possibly most confusing sequel of the original Terminator (aka The Time Traveler’s Wife) has Sarah Connor being raised by a Terminator, and John Connor turning into a cybernetic-human hybrid? Wait, the f*ck is this? Whatever, is long as there’s the same “dun, dun, dun, dun, dun-dun,” and nuclear explosions, I’m set.
Ant-Man – July 17th
Ant-Man tells the story of a man who can shrink at will, and not just when it’s really cold out when he gets out of a swimming pool.
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation – July 31st
In this one, Tom Cruise barely clings on to this plane, just like he should barely cling on to Scientology after Going Clear. Everyone’s favorite latex face-ripping, ceiling-descending spy is back, and older than ever.
Fantastic Four – August 7th
This was Miles Teller’s response after Fantastic Four‘s director told him: “That’s not exactly my tempo.” Just kidding! I’m surprisingly excited for this reboot, which actually looks pretty descent. Sure, there’s no Kapri Sun-esque Silver Surfer in this one, but who cares? Stellar cast, stellar writing — I’m in.